So I found out I'm divided. Okay. I started reading about dissociation and understood that trauma causes little selves to split from the original self. I greeted whoever might be inside. I told them I loved them and would keep them safe.
To the degree it was all right with everyone inside, I asked God to make me whole. Then, to help bring that about, I informed those inside that I wanted to know all the memories, all the secrets. I pointed out that it was part of my history and I had a right to know.
I read that some little selves encapsulate and feel the fear of a specific experience of abuse, others the pain, others the rage. I felt sorry for those little selves. In my mind I reassured them, That was then. We couldn't cope with those powerful emotions then. But we're grown up now. We're stronger and we have a good support system, family, friends, church, God--all kinds of healthy resources. You can come out of hiding and let me help you bear those feelings. We'll do it together. We can handle them now.
The next morning I woke up so scared I was shaking--and I had no idea why. My world had shrunk to the small room I was in and everything beyond it seemed terrifying. I couldn't make any decisions. What if I decided wrong? I was immobilized by anxiety.
Some days after that I woke up so depressed I thought, What's the use? What's the use of anything? I stayed in bed and cried all day.
And realized, No, I really can't handle all these emotions. They're way too much for me! No wonder these parts of myself are holding tight to them so I won't feel them and can function.
Whereas I had been aware of one worldview at a time, unaware I ever saw the world from any other perspective, now I became "co-conscious." I knew there were other rooms in the house, furnished very differently from mine, housing residents with very different interests and ideas from mine. When I had negative thoughts about them, they knew it--they could read my mind! Very disconcerting. Sometimes what I thought about them hurt their feelings! And I didn't want to hurt them. Even though I was frustrated with them, I really did love them. I just had to figure out a way to cooperate with every one of them to get anything done. Because they were all me.
When I took time to get to know them and take them into consideration, we got along well. We would do kid things together. They'd choose a book to have me read aloud or we'd draw a picture. But I got tired of that and started skipping our time together, striding out ahead of them until they were out of earshot. And the only way they could get my attention was by sabotaging my plans so I couldn't do anything constructive.
Now, instead of feeling whole, with gaps of time missing or behavior of mine which I didn't understand, I felt terribly broken. I had let the others write in my journal and they were writing things I didn't agree with, things that shocked me--in handwriting I didn't recognize. I was saying things like, Why didn't you tell me? and they were saying, Why didn't you listen? and Why bother? You don't do what we want anyway.
That's why I wrote to Restoration in Christ Ministries and told them "I need counsel from someone regarding how to live as a multiple. . . " I described what I had been doing.
Diane Hawkins, director of RCM, wrote back, "It sounds to me as if you have no one to guide you and you are making haphazard decisions that seem good in your eyes. I strongly urge you not to do this. You need to understand the dynamics involved so that you know how to work with your system in a knowledgeable way. . ."
Not haphazard decisions. Logical ones. But yes, those that seemed good in my eyes.
I agreed they weren't working. I asked if RCM could recommend a counselor familiar with DID in my area and they did. I need to learn how to function as a divided self, how to be a team. I need to stop tearing down protective walls of denial before it's safe for the little ones who erected them to come out from behind them. I need to learn how to do it right.
That's why I'm seeing G.
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