When no other alters or spirits came to the fore, G and I both thought I might be integrated. He set a final two-hour session, to include Jerry, to wrap things up and give us both guidance for how I could proceed in wholeness.

But once home, I was hit with terrible depression, the worst in a long time. I did nothing but cry. I wondered if I was having trouble adjusting to wholeness. Maybe it was easier to have compartments, easier to have other parts handle aspects of life, have someone else to blame. Maybe dissociation was an excuse, a means to let me keep things at arm's length.

Or maybe I just wasn't whole at all. Maybe the alters were hiding and I still had years of healing to go.

Either way, it was wrenching.

G and I held what was supposed to be our victory lap on Skype. I sat at my desk, red-eyed and surrounded by soggy tissues and Jerry was not an active part of it.

(October 11, 2012)

Same session

That was during the first hour of the session. After a break, we met for another hour. I saw the little girl (I assume the one in clogs) frantic with happiness, leaping like a puppy on the others, joining them.

G asked God to "find any lost sheep--You're good at doing that--and lead them home." I felt peace. Then he told me, "When all the lie messages are broken, any demons present may just hunker down, lie under the bed, so to speak, and wait." He had me maintain eye contact with him--it was hard--while he asked, "Are any still there?"

The difficulty keeping eye contact made me feel something wasn't right. "Maybe," I said.

"Do you have any legal right to remain?"

I spoke for it.

"There is evidence that our family, my great-grandparents, were Jewish.Our name was Schoen(e). My grandfather and his brother were trapeze artists in a small, traveling circus. They called themselves the Schoene Brothers until about 1914--World War I--and then changed it to The Flying Landrys, after my grandmother's maiden name. (She was French-Canadian.)

"I've become convinced we hid our Jewishness not just out of fear of persecution but as an act of rejecting our relationship with God, our identity as His people. Just as Pharaoh, confronted by Moses, hardened his heart, and each time he did, God responded by hardening his heart further, so our family has hardened ourselves and been hardened. There are generational sins of addictions and of arrogance and there is a generational sin of defiance of and autonomy from God.

"I repented for that and I wrote all my family explaining what I had come to believe and suggesting they repent of it, too. I got two or three responses, all negative, just what I had expected. In their responses to me, they re-enforced that rejection of Jehovah."

In the session I renounced that sin again and severed connections with any spirits associated with it.

All things new

We made love (I told G) and it was like experiencing it for the very first time, like a virgin on her wedding night. Not only wonder but physical pleasure. No baggage, no flashbacks, no fantasies.

Just that once and then it was gone again.

September 28, 2012