My job

     G says I (the one the others call "Walks-on-Water") am a strong-willed, controlled, independent woman. Every week he says things like, "The strongest part of you can get in the way a little." Or, "Because of your strength, you want to be in charge and in control but you make it hard on the others."
     Today I told him the little ones were shaking, that they feel unprotected and left behind, vulnerable, without boundaries. But I didn't understand why. The other day I thought they had all flowed from the locker room into Jesus. I'm not in touch with where they are or what they are doing. 
     This time G didn't just suggest. He gave me clear instruction. "The barriers are thinned. Wherever you go you take them all with you. Pray for them bless them, so even if you're not giving them protection, they'll feel safe, loved and have joy. Weaker joy makes it harder for them to deal with conflicts through synchronization. They need to be themselves, able to express significant life needs.
     "Joy is not just a nice emotion. It's a simple way of talking about the deepest experience of a human being. Unconditional joy is people celebrting you, loving to be with you. Eye contact with sparkle. Your joy center is like a pilot light. It turns the flame on and the flame goes back and forth between two people.
     "It's not just about physiology. There is a spiritual component. The eyes are the window to the soul. It's a sharing, a bonding--from their brain to ours and back, building each other's joy like electro-magnetic charges from one to the other. Something dynamic happens.
     "As you relate to your other identities: 'I like ice cream,' 'I want to swing,' it builds this sense of 'Wow, you really love me--because you did what I requested.' Some parts may feel neglected if too much adult stuff is going on. They feel left out. You have to talk to them, ask how they feel.
     "Listen to God. Ask him how to bring balance. Be an anointed, inspired leader of the system and lead the family in the right direction. Take authority, help them, listen to them instead of deciding for them where they are. Don't assume. When they're quiet, are they peaceful and merged? Or terribly afraid and hiding out?
     "Discovering and working with the identities is the most significant part of all this."

January 26, 2012 (Part 1)

"Jesus, don't look."

     "Jesus is in church."
     G had asked me if I could see Jesus in the bedroom where bad things were going on. I was adamant: Jesus wasn't there. My mother was in church and He had gone with her. They had both left me unprotected.
     Before G could say anything, I realized Jesus was also in the room with Daddy and me. "He was there," I admitted, "--but He had His back to me."
     "He had His back--?"
     "Because I told Him not to look. I told Him to turn away. Jesus did not see the sex because it's bad. I didn't want Him to see what was happening."
     As I said this, I saw Jesus turn around and come to the side of the bed. He leaned over and tried to comfort me, maybe pick me up. I didn't want Him to. He was good. He wasn't supposed to see things like that. I didn't want Him there.
     "There are three things in that bed," I told G. "Me, Daddy, and the pleasure between us. One of those things has to be bad. Either I'm bad or Daddy's bad or pleasure--passion--is bad. I've had lots of therapy and I've accepted that I wasn't bad. I don't want Daddy to be bad. So pleasure must be bad--at least for me to enjoy pleasure must be bad, even though the part of me that felt pleasure didn't feel bad."
     "There is a part of you  that is very loyal to your Daddy."
     "Yes. It was important to protect Daddy and our secrets. He's a good daddy. Daddy did those things because he loved me. Daddy would never hurt me."  
     G suggested I invite Jesus to speak truth to this Daddy-loyal idenity. I heard Jesus say, What happened was wrong with Daddy, but it's okay with your husband. You're not bad and pleasure's not bad. The timing was bad--you're too young to be awakened to those things--and those things are not supposed to happen between daddies and daughters. Your daddy loved you but several things he did to you were not loving. What he did was bad. He knew better.
     "He knew better," G repeated when I told him what I was hearing.
     Daddy got delight from the sexual things, as I did, but the context was wrong. There are good and safe things to do with a daddy, Jesus was saying, but the things your daddy did to you are not those things.

January 12, 2012