Core Self

When-the-other-woman-is-a-child

     Is April the Core Self, the original Me before we became Us?

     In their DVD series, Restoring Shattered Lives*, Tom and Diane Hawkins say "intolerable psychological conflicts, often based on false beliefs, create a seeming need for denial that leads to dissociation in the lives of severely traumatized children" before the age of seven. (Italics theirs.)
     Dissociation means barriers erected by the mind to protect the self from "an intolerable level of psychic distress" and make normal functioning possible. Dissociation is a survival mechanism, a God-provided, very effective one.
     Dissociation means one or more alter identities. It means little ones.
     All alters are created by the survivor's mind to protect the Original/Core Self. All are good. There are no bad little ones.
     I understand that each alter has a function, with the sole purpose of protecting the original Self. Some take the physical pain of the trauma or the resulting fear, rage, anxiety or grief. Some become Perpetrator Surrogates (my term) to perpetuate the threats or actual punishment, under the belief (perhaps true at one time) that if the original Self comes into line "voluntarily," s/he will be spared worse consequences from the perpetrator.
     But what I don't understand is, if they were trying to protect April, the one traumatized, why they rejected and abandoned her, bailed on her, let her sink deep into a pit which opened in the parents' bed as they scrambled away in all directions in horror and disgust? If she was an innocent victim, why didn't they show sympathy? Why didn't they act like protectors, rather than scoundrels?
     April doesn't feel psychic distress. She doesn't see her complicity in incest as life-threatening conflict. It's the others, whose who streamed from her--the first one, choking on shame, into the closet and from that little one, two more--a male persona and a virginal nun--who may have felt survival was at stake.
     That must be how they protected her. Melissa, sitting among the shoes, internalized the shame for her. Jess, trying to compensate for the sense of vulnerability and helplessness, became "one of the guys" so s/he could share interests--adventure/scientific/scholarly--with Dad. Jennifer assumed a mantle of purity where such complicity was impossible, maintaining the illusion of sexlessness.
     So April could enjoy sex play with her father, remembering only the pleasurable parts and the cuddling, without guilt and without self-loathing or blame. The rest of the selves, maybe even me (am I the Host/Primary Presenter?) are parts of her. The wall between her and each of us is to prevent her, the one who went through the trauma, from knowing it was really trauma, from being aware of the conflict at all.

*Restoration in Christ Ministries

When-the-other-woman-is-a-child

april

i am april i like grren ,like green appls gras tree         


                   i like horses


bunies            stuf anmals


ilike spring

http://hisscribbler.blogspot.com/2011/03/when-the-other-woman-is-a-child.html

Trying to stay out of the way

They need an adult self to set up their play place. But they want to make all the decisions and do the posts themselves. So I'll try to stay out of the way.

They want you to come play with them, if you can figure out how to.

And I think at least some of them would like to introduce themselves.

Assurance

You can make anonymous comments here. I just have to screen them first.

Her safe place

This is our cat. She has many names, just like us: Little Girl, Little Bit, Burnt Cookie, Sudoku. But like us, we only call her one generic name: Kitty.

She answers to that but she answers best to the sound of a can of Fancy Feast being opened.

I don't intend to be weird

     I read some other blogs today that I think may have been written by people with multiple identities. (That's what Diane Hawkins of Restoration in Christ Ministries calls us in her book of that name. Not multiple personalities. I've ordered the book but it hasn't arrived yet so I don't know whether there is a distinction and whether it matters.)
     Some of the other blogs were weird. Like, creepy. I don't want our blog to become creepy.

     We just want a safe place to play.

Little elves

Instead of "little selves," how about "little elves?" We all think we'd like to be little elves. :o)

Not my first choice

    "My Selves" isn't my first choice. That seems too much about me, as if there is a main me and I know who that is. Like one of us owns all the others.

     My first choice was Multiples of One. But that was already taken. There was no profile or picture of the author, just the initials "DMZ." There were only three short posts, all between 2004 and 2009, all putting himself down. (I guessed DMZ is male.) And nothing for the past two years. That made me sad.

     My second choice was Little Ones. But that was taken too, by someone named Robin. She (he) had one post on it, if you can call it that. Just ". . ." on January 24, 2003.

     My third choice was Mini Me. But that had been created in October, 2001. Across the top it read, "The Blessing: Mom was clearly agitated. She raised her bony finger as if she were going to poke my eyes out, and screamed, 'I hope you are blessed with one that is JUST LIKE YOU!' Well, guess what. I was. Twice."
     There were only four posts, all between October, 2001 and January, 2002, signed AfricanCichlids.net. This person may not be a multiple. Her "mini me's" are her children. But I liked her and wish she had written more. I tried to tell her that through the website but don't know if it reached her.)
     I know Cichlid's mother meant this "blessing" to be a curse but I hope it has turned out to be a blessing.

     My fourth choice was Many Me's. Two posts, in December 2002 and March 2003. The last one is only, "this is a test. . ." They are signed "Amanda" but there is no way to leave a comment.

     My fifth choice was My Selves. There is already a "This is myselves," set up in 2001 by someone named Ryan. All he has written is, "This is day one of my Journal. . ."

     Are these mostly anonymous people multiples? Multiples reaching out years ago with short, fractured appeals but getting no response, some of them providing no way to get a response? Are they okay? 

My Selves

                                                     My selves exist
                                                     but ill together.
                                                     Though they meet
                                                     their essences resist
                                                     the will to merge
                                                     and be complete.

I wrote that in college.


See http://HisScribbler.blogspot.com Feb. 28 - March 5, 2011

hi

     hi. this is scary. brethe. we dont all like pink you know.