It's all about JOY

     Yesterday Jerry and I both met with my new counselor Gary. This is my synopsis of what he told us:

     It's all about JOY. Have you watched a baby in its mother's arms? When the mother gazes into the baby's face, totally enraptured, she is pouring love and nurture into that child. The baby's eyes are riveted on hers as it receives that deep sense of affirmation for just being, sometimes causing the little one to smile back and even wriggle with delight. This bond, this exchange of love through look,  E. James Wilder calls "eye synchronization." You see it also in the faces of couples who are in love. They are not sitting side by side but facing each other, looking into each other's face, drinking in every expression, delighting in and enjoying the other person.
     Eye synchronization is like an electromagnetic connectedness that transmits a sparkle--and elicits a sparkle in return. It creates a capacity for joy. When a person has a healthy joy capacity, s/he can experience bad things and negative emotions and still return to that hub of joy.
     But many babies don't get this kind of pleased attention and eye contact. Experiences that produce terror or despair overwhelm and snuff out the joy. Growing up, the child or adult finds him/herself lost in fear or despair or anger and has a hard time finding the way back to joy. For these people, eye contact is difficult because it means feeling vulnerable. These people need safe relationships where they can look into the eyes of a spouse, parent, friend, or even stranger, and exchange mutual assurances of value, significance, and caring.
     The good news is, the "joy center" of the brain can grow. The most neglected person can enlarge his or her joy capacity at any stage of life--and thrive!

     I realized as he spoke that even though Jerry tells and shows me he loves me in multitudes of ways every day, I still need that "eye synchronization" to feel okay about myself. The men in my life always had their faces and attention on books and when I'm not getting enough reassuring eye contact I feel lost, less than, and lonely.
     But now when he asks, as he often does, "What can I do for you, my love? How can I help you?" instead of saying "I don't know, I have no idea" even though I'm kind of wilting inside and don't understand why, I can say, "Let's synchronize our eyes!" and we can transmit love that way for awhile and build up each other's joy capacity!

Gary has recommended two books:
Multiple Identities by Diane Hawkins, esp. Chapter 4, "The Role of Conflict and Denial in DID"
The Life Model: Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, by James G. Friesen and E. James Wilder.