Divided

     Divided self, my counselor calls it.
     Okay, how does it feel to be a divided self? Well, imagine you live in a house where only one room or part of one room is lit at a time. You spend a lot of time in the part that is lit. You may not like it much but it's familiar. You kind of know your way around. And it may be a room so expansive and furnished that you can live a full life there.
     But sometimes you wake up in another part of the house. It may be very differently appointed, more constricted, maybe much less familiar. The darkness may have closed in more and it is breathing terror down your neck. But you have amnesia. You don't remember the other room, the spacious, well-lit, comfortable one with friends in it.

     You wake up. The world is familiar. You know the people in it and your relationships to them. You know who you are.

     You wake up. The world is a profoundly tragic place. You know there is beauty and kindness out there but it doesn't touch you; you can't connect with it. You cry constantly. You feel hopeless.

     You wake up. The world is closing in on you, frightening. There is terror in the moving shadows. You are shaking. You can't move. No choice is safe but you don't know why.

     You wake up. You feel safe and playful. You dance and sing--but only when you are alone.

     You wake up. In your spirit, in the shadows, there is the vague, brief, presence of a child complaining, "I'm tired! I can't go any farther!" You sense the child is part of you.

     You feel tension, like a rubber band stretched to the breaking point. Without intending to, you lash out with accusing words. Or you throw a lamp through the mirrored closet door. And wonder, Where did that come from?

     You wake up and life is normal. But you have the feeling that sometimes your world is overwhelmingly painful, that you cry constantly. You wonder why you would want to do a thing like that.

     You wake up and realize all these parts are you. There have been walls between you. You could only see from one perspective. Now you are increasingly aware you live in other worlds, with other perspectives. The one you see from now is only one of them.