This is what it feels is happening

You'd think that would have done it. The Shepherd brings the little lost lamb home. Happy ending.

But I wake up in tears almost every morning.

Here's what it feels like. It feels like the dissociative barriers are down. It feels like there are no parts walled off or left outside. It's all just me.

I used to be either/or. Either depressed or anxious or competent and confident. I wasn't aware of other paradigms.

Now I am both/all/and. We are--I am--co-conscious. It's all me. Depressed and anxious--but whatever happened to competence and confidence? The walls were there for a reason, to enable me to function. Now functioning is beyond me. If the intolerable conflicts caused by opposing beliefs have been resolved, why am I non-functioning?

I asked G, "Is it possible I'm whole and I'm just having the kinds of grief, loss, sadness, worry, fears that normal people have? Is that it?"

"Don't decide for yourself what this looks like," G says. "Just see what remains." "Don't try to control parts, let it reveal itself in its own time." "Just enjoy discovering, synchronizing, finding dissociative barriers," 'Let Jesus find, bring things up," "Don't try to orchestrate healing--let it come to you, take what the system offers," "Let Christ do the healing through the indwelling Spirit," "Be in 'receive' mode."

Can I cry while I do all that?

(October 25, 2012)