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All this time I was integrating, guess what? The integration was being accomplished by a part of me we call the "reporter." My reporter self was organizing everyone inside--or just sweeping them under a rug and announcing us "fixed."

So this time "Reporter/Interpreter Self" came out and complained that he (yes, he) runs the whole show and everyone inside resents him for it, resents his control and his speaking for them, even though his--my--motives were pure. I was just trying to protect them.

"I have to juggle it all," he said. "The internal system is like the solar system, with its orbits and speeds. My job is to hold all the dark stuff. I carry grief."

Do I have the memories? (I'm switching from being him and not being him. Sorry for the confusion.) "No, just the feelings. The memories are walled off."

"Then Jesus comes into the mix," RS explained, "and He's trying to protect and help everyone. I don't know how to adjust to keep the internal balance. He'll have a gravitational influence and will want to run the whole thing. I don't know how that will work."

He said he is the only one left except for the Original Self.

Here my notes say, "Make bread--add dirt and rocks. He takes it and makes a perfect loaf of bread." Was I the one making bread, adding dirt and rocks? Is Jesus the one who takes the mess and turns it into bread? What did that have to do with anything?

G: He cares about (you?). Such a noble and important job. You've done well.

"All that is negative, bad, and dark, I take on," I say. "I don't like this role but somebody has to do the dirty work. I'm Eeyore, gloomy and down on himself. I can only have the balloon after it's popped.

"Maybe I could just not exist. Maybe I could pop, too. If I'm just an alter, maybe I can be conscious but not involved." Then, "I want to go home."

G: "My burden is light. Come to Me, all you who are heavy-laden and I will give you rest."

"I don't want to be the one to make everyone else look good. I'm the bad one. I want to fade away and die."

G: He brings more life, not less. There may need to be a healing of the memories others hold. There is more the living God want to do just for you. It's hard for you to trust Him with your decision-making and vigilance."

"We're not ready to integrate. Yet in almost every dream I've had for months, I am lost and trying to find my way home. I am in a huge college, trying to find my way to my classroom. I am late for a test for which I have not studied. Or I am at a resort, maybe at a conference or women's retreat. I'm on my way to dinner but I have to leave the others to go back to my room to get something. I finally give up looking for my room but in the meantime I have missed dinner. Or I'm trying to find my way back to Jerry. Always lost, always trying to get home."

G. is talking to me, saying things about "embracing all of you, accepting all." A dust cloud of confusion has stirred up around my mind. I can hear what he is saying, he is using words and phrases I know, but I cannot make sense out of any of it.


(October 25, 2012)