Soul split

     G had my husband join us for this session: "We're trying to assess where she is in the restoration process. Last time Jesus showed up and did these cool things. She isn't switching as much. The dissociative walls are thinning. I think we're much closer to wholeness. What have you noticed?" he asked.
     "I've seen very little switching," my husband said. "She gets frustrated at the computer when she's unable to send things out after working on them all day. Other than that--virtually no switching. Are the parts hiding? or integrated?"
     "The current conflict [at church] is triggering past memories. In the past she was told 'Don't tell' and she told herself, 'Don't tell.' Now the church leaders are telling her 'Don't tell' but she is telling herself  'DO tell!'"
     "God is telling me to tell," I interrupted. "He says to bring the deeds of darkness into the light for His judgment."
     "She is able to say, 'I won't be silent about this--' and have people support her."

     We got onto the subject of sex. I knew we would. I knew we had to. I told the men, "I don't want to be distracted by intimacy. I avoid it. I'm too busy. It's okay to give pleasure but not to receive it."
     "Why?" persisted G. Because you don't feel you deserve it? Because of guilt?"
     "Pleasure leads to disappointment and hurt. It means letting down your guard and being hurt more."
     G asked, "Is there one who still believes this?"
     "Yes," I said, "but she doesn't want to talk about it. She feels she is bad if she likes sex. That was the whole point of dissociating--so she wouldn't have to be involved in it or be affected by it. Enjoying it makes her feel like a prostitute."
     "If authentic pleasure makes you feel like a prostitute, it sets up intolerable conflict," said G. Your soul splits."
     "I wasn't like that when we got married," I said. "I was all over him. I couldn't wait to marry him and be able to have sex. But now I'm pulling back. Why? Where is that part of me that could abandon herself joyously to sex and intimacy?"
     "In this marriage," G said, "these conflicts have no place to hide. It's self-sabotage. Go to your journal," he said, "--not a public one--and connect with this self."

December 29, 2011