"Jesus, don't look."

     "Jesus is in church."
     G had asked me if I could see Jesus in the bedroom where bad things were going on. I was adamant: Jesus wasn't there. My mother was in church and He had gone with her. They had both left me unprotected.
     Before G could say anything, I realized Jesus was also in the room with Daddy and me. "He was there," I admitted, "--but He had His back to me."
     "He had His back--?"
     "Because I told Him not to look. I told Him to turn away. Jesus did not see the sex because it's bad. I didn't want Him to see what was happening."
     As I said this, I saw Jesus turn around and come to the side of the bed. He leaned over and tried to comfort me, maybe pick me up. I didn't want Him to. He was good. He wasn't supposed to see things like that. I didn't want Him there.
     "There are three things in that bed," I told G. "Me, Daddy, and the pleasure between us. One of those things has to be bad. Either I'm bad or Daddy's bad or pleasure--passion--is bad. I've had lots of therapy and I've accepted that I wasn't bad. I don't want Daddy to be bad. So pleasure must be bad--at least for me to enjoy pleasure must be bad, even though the part of me that felt pleasure didn't feel bad."
     "There is a part of you  that is very loyal to your Daddy."
     "Yes. It was important to protect Daddy and our secrets. He's a good daddy. Daddy did those things because he loved me. Daddy would never hurt me."  
     G suggested I invite Jesus to speak truth to this Daddy-loyal idenity. I heard Jesus say, What happened was wrong with Daddy, but it's okay with your husband. You're not bad and pleasure's not bad. The timing was bad--you're too young to be awakened to those things--and those things are not supposed to happen between daddies and daughters. Your daddy loved you but several things he did to you were not loving. What he did was bad. He knew better.
     "He knew better," G repeated when I told him what I was hearing.
     Daddy got delight from the sexual things, as I did, but the context was wrong. There are good and safe things to do with a daddy, Jesus was saying, but the things your daddy did to you are not those things.

January 12, 2012