10-13 BREAKTHROUGH. Deepest, earliest conflict resolved! When we walked out of G's office, the whole world looked new.
10-16-11 I feel like I'm walking around in a blast furnace--and not being burned. Praise the Lord.
We had two hours. G said to pray open the eyes of my heart that means not physical heart but deep self, memory, mind, me. He asked who wanted to come to the front of the mind and talk. He said that is the place of executive control. He said is the Lord nudging anyone to come forward? He said it is the place of blessing. He said This is your moment.
Inside everyone was looking around and waiting. No one went forward. We kept waiting a long time. G waited too. He did not say anything.
G wanted the one to come who believed the first lie, a lie at the trunk of the tree not in the branches.
April was not sure if she was the one supposed to come or wanted to come but she started talking. She told about how she covered the baby with her body to protect her. G said 2-3 years old. April said no, under one year. She said baby is original self and maybe baby wants to talk but how can a baby talk.
April talk about herself, happy baby. We were surprised. April really was happy baby like she said. She knew there were bad things but she would not think about them. She pushed them up to top of cave she could see their roots dangling down but she kept the rest out of sight and out of reach.
"I am thin," she said. "Not thin like a body but thin--resources. Thin like a piece of cloth." We did not understand. Later someone inside said, "Veneer." Like thin layer.
April talked for baby: I feel pressure on my chest. I am smothered. I cannot breathe. Helpless. This life-threatening. (Maybe someone older was talking for baby.) I'm dying. Maybe I am already dead.
G said, Can you see where Jesus is? We looked for Jesus in the room but he was not standing there watching. He was on the bed on His knees. He was tucking the baby down into a hollow in the mattress next to where Daddy's head went. Like Moses in a basket. Putting her safe.
Then April spread over her like a piece of cloth with a colorful pattern on it. There was not enough space between Baby and Daddy for April to fit but Jesus interposed her. He put April between Baby and the hurt and fear. April had no weight so Baby was not squished. And there was space around Baby in the safe nest so she could move if she wanted.
But she did not move. She lay so still April could not see any breathing. But she knew Baby was a little, little bit alive.
G said, Jessica Renshaw is very intelligent. She figured out how to split creatively to protect the baby.
But I am not Jessica Renshaw! I am Jessica Reynolds!
And I did not do anything. Jesus did it. I did not know what to do and I had no time to be creative. No time to think. Just to be scared. Jesus kept us alive and safe.
Jesus laid the cloth over the basket and April protected her with happy thoughts and memories because Daddy said It's all right! You like this. This is good. This is our playtime.
But when April, the cloth, pulled away, she took away that lie. Then we knew even what she believed was all right WAS NOT ALL RIGHT and WE DIDN'T LIKE IT! We knew it was scary and it hurt. Maybe Daddy sat on our chest and put part of him in our mouth.
G said speak life into her. So I asked Jesus to do that, breathe life into her and he did. Now we could see a faint heartbeat.
I lifted her out of her safe hiding place and held her. She was so tiny, like new born almost, but she was fine. She was not hurt at all. Unscathed.
April was lying aside like a crumpled piece of cloth, like a glove without a hand (but thinner) but she was alive, too. I wrapped April around the baby when I held her but I don't know if that was a good thing to do because April is denial.
April was just like a scene painted on a stage set with a rainbow and flowers and butterfies. That was all.
As soon as Jesus put her between Baby and the Bad Daddy, Melissa shot away to the end of the bed like a firecracker and then Jess and Jenny shot away from her.
Almost at once--bang bang bang--only no noise.
G said Was that the first time? Was that the very first time you believed that lie?
Yes we said.
Maybe part of you still believes it was all right or you liked it.
No we said. Nobody wants to believe that anymore.
I laid the Baby on the bed--the hole was swallowed up now, filled in--she was very contented and now Melissa crawled out of the shoe closet and climbed up on the bed and lay down beside the Baby and started sucking her thumb.
Jess came back. He said I don't need to be here anymore.
A few others came back. They all lay together on the bed. G said they were coming home.
Jenny waited where she was. She was troubled. She didn't know what to do. If she stopped pretending she was a virgin and denying she had ever had sex then what? How could she just accept good sex without having to remember the bad sex? Maybe there is a different lie with her.
Two worriers stayed away too. I didn't know if there were two or one with two names. Both seem to come out in early morning. Melissa is doubled up with anxiety and indecision. Alexis is very stressed like she is going to have a stroke or a heart attack and she is on alert all the time.
So I guess there are two. They are not sure it's safe to come home yet.
Jesus told us the splitting was necessary for us to survive or at least that is how He chose to have us survive.
The last we saw the ones who came home to the Baby, they were resting around her and a fountain of water was gushing from the baby's stomach. It made everyone happy so I think that was the fountain in the Bible, living water.
I think that is our Joy Center.
That was 10-13.
10-17 The blast furnace is the fire of persecution. First God burns His fire inside us and has us write things like He made the prophets write. Then we go to church and feel some people hating us even though other people are hugging us and calling us brave. That is the fire of persecution. When we are small it makes our head and stomach hurt.
Three days ago I left a message for my counselor and also e-mailed a "Help!" message to my friend Genie asking for prayer and saying I was in torment: "Genie, please pray for me. In the middle of all this abuse by the church leaders I;m in counsleing and discovering more of my fahter' abuse when I wass little. I am in torment." (That is how I spelled it.)
After G called I could write her that I felt better. He told me, "You're getting closer to your whole history. The dissociative barriers are thinning. There's anger and pain. You're doing well.
"But the system needs to be ready to recover the truth. We want the other identities to be okay too. Slow it down, feel joy, build joy, synchronize. Continue to nurture and love them. They took the bullets. You're zealous, you're a go-getter. But stay in sync with what God's doing. God is somehow going to work it together for good for you and Jerry."
He said again, "You're doing great. Keep building, trying to receive joy. What would be a joy thing for all of you?"
Then he said a blessing over "every part of Jessica Renshaw." He said, "Nothing will ever separate Jessica Renshaw from Jesus Christ, from conception to the present moment. He says, 'I want to give you My joy.'
"His strength and love can carry you. You are not alone on this journey for a moment. We can trust Him."
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