When no other alters or spirits came to the fore, G and I both thought I might be integrated. He set a final two-hour session, to include Jerry, to wrap things up and give us both guidance for how I could proceed in wholeness.

But once home, I was hit with terrible depression, the worst in a long time. I did nothing but cry. I wondered if I was having trouble adjusting to wholeness. Maybe it was easier to have compartments, easier to have other parts handle aspects of life, have someone else to blame. Maybe dissociation was an excuse, a means to let me keep things at arm's length.

Or maybe I just wasn't whole at all. Maybe the alters were hiding and I still had years of healing to go.

Either way, it was wrenching.

G and I held what was supposed to be our victory lap on Skype. I sat at my desk, red-eyed and surrounded by soggy tissues and Jerry was not an active part of it.

(October 11, 2012)